Category: Dating and Relationships
Let’s talk telephones.
Our telephones/electronic devices can and do much for us now.
We can GPS, have a text conversation, read or find a menu, or a show.
If we’re passing a restaurant or shop we frequent, our phones will even send us a text message telling us about a special being offered say for lunch, or dinner, or even drink specials for happy hours.
We can pay for goods, services, meals, or these show tickets.
Oh, and our sisters, mothers, best friends can call us anytime, and they expect to be answered and talked to no matter what.
So, the million-dollar question.
When on a date, or out for an evening, day or even spending intimate time with your other, what are your personal boundaries as to when its proper and acceptable to answer, or use your mobile phone?
This goes for singles dating, or married couples, or people that live together too.
That’s a topic that I’m curious about, because often I’ve been out, and the person I’m with will not only read text, but answer them, or have a conversation with the best friend, sister, mother.
Folks will even place outside calls, communications, say to post to social media like Facebook, or tell the best friend where they are, or about what they are doing.
“X stepped in to Z with Y.” You’ve all scene these types of messages.
Some folks just don’t seem to be able to allow their devices to signal without checking them.
I’ll narrow this topic down by giving some scenarios.
I’ll also add, that using a device to get to say the show, or restaurant, pay for goods or services, or to read a menu is understandable to me. The device is being used as a helper, not an outside communications device, unless you must secure a ride, like an Uber, or taxi, what have you.
But once you’ve settled in, say at the restaurant, the show, the concert?
What are your personal boundaries on device use?
Scenario.
You indicate to your lover you’d like to spend some intimate time and they agree.
You proceed with your intimate session.
Your partner must pee during, which happens from time to time.
You’ve already climaxed once, but you are in the zone, so to speak, and let them know to come back soonest.
On the way back from the bath, your love picks up the phone, has a conversation about a picnic next week, and maybe their sister, or mother calls to quickly discuss something else.
She/he returns phone in hand, tells you who’s called and says these calls were important.
They had to answer, because, well, it was my sister/mother/best friend Sally.
Acceptable, unacceptable?
Should you be understanding, or not?
When I'm out on a date with my husband, generally I don't make calls or send texts to family or friends, or answer the ones I get from them. Only exception is if we know there's an important reason I should. For example, one of my husband's parents has been having some health problems, so if I saw a call or text from the other parent, I might answer it, when otherwise I would not. But we talk about that in advance, and agree that if so and so calls or texts, I'll answer them, and here's why. But those situations are the exception, not the rule. The thing I will sometimes do when we get somewhere is check in on social media. Not always, but sometimes. Again, we've discussed this and agreed on it. In a sense, these check-ins are part of our way of keeping history. I know that sounds weird, but there it is. But once I've done that, the phone goes in my purse, and stays there. I usually don't go so far as to put it on Do Not Disturb, but I also don't jump to answer it as I ordinarily might.
Now, if it involves intimate time, that's a different story altogether. My phone goes on DND before we start, and stays there till we're done. If things were pretty spontaneous and I don't think to do that and the phone goes off, I either ignore it altogether, or pause activity just long enough to shut it up and tell Siri to turn on DND so that doesn't happen again. So, in the scenario you painted in post two, the behavior you mentioned would be totally unacceptable in my book, and would merit a discussion.
I agree with all that was posted in 3. It seems a good plan.
Here’s the next scenario.
Do, or should we make distinction between when you are just out shopping, or hanging out with your other, and actual dates?
Let’s say you wake up and invite your other to go have a Starbucks with you, and do some shopping on a Saturday morning.
You both have devices, and at Starbucks, sit down together and use them for whatever while drinking your coffee’s.
Maybe your other reads the morning news while you catch up on your emails.
After that, you head off to do some shopping, or just hang out say at the mall.
Can you answer calls and text in this context?
It is not a romantic evening, nor a dinner you planned to share as a date, so in my opinion, you can just relax and use the device as you see fit and talk with your other, or even share news or events coming over your device.
Acceptable, not acceptable?
I'm in pretty much total agreement with Alicia here. I'd be especially annoyed if a random and fairly unimportant phone call interrupted intimate time. I don't always shut my phone off during such times, but I ignore it.
Really, for me at least, it comes down to a lot of factors, but one of the big ones is familiarity. If I know time is limited or the outing is particularly important, then I don't really want to be on my phone, and I hope my date doesn't either. If we're just seeing each other and bumming around, not doing too much, then it doesn't matter quite so much to me. One pet peeve of mine, I confess, is being out to dinner or something, and having one of the other people involved whip out their phone and start texting, to enough of an extent that it gets in the way of conversation. Depending on the need for this texting, it's okay (say if plans are being made, someone's being checked up on, etc.), but sometimes it's just, say, because someone's getting bored. I've had it happen only a couple of times to me, and each time, without fail, I've begun wondering if I've done something wrong. That's not a feeling I like.
Okay. I've never thought about the bordom aspect. I assume if you are out, you want to be out. Must easier ways, and less hurtful, I guess to end a boring date, then texting your buddies?
Thanks for that post.
Ooh, a sore subject, this. Nothing irks me quite like having a meal out interrupted by a cell phone! Sure, use it to summon an Uber, read a menu, but anything else seems rude, to me. So yeah, Wayne's first example, that person is highly inconsiderate!
My husband is one who usually responds to every phone call and text, and I've said how much this bothers me. There are just so many urgent situations, apparently.
Or maybe I'm just easily annoyed. I don't have email or FB connected with my phone, and I don't get a lot of calls or texts. My phone is basically a book reader, and I'm not troubled by ignoring a call. If I check Facebook, it's because I've set aside time to spend on that. Since most people seem to think interacting with the phone is acceptable, maybe my expectations are just unreasonable, for the way the world works, now. But it was nicer before cell phones and the internet, in a lot of ways.
Ah, VioletBlue.
That is how I see it.
There was a time I didn’t even own one, so when I got one, I refused to become a slave to it.
. I'm not irritated by much, but the cellphone thing is a pet peeve.
The things have answering services, and store messages, so I'm not going to wipe my hands to answer it no matter who's calling.
Sure, if you're just hanging out, or home, like that, answer your phone until your hearts content, but if we say date? Heck, as far as I'm concerned, it could get purposely turned off.
A long time ago, I broke my mother and sister from asking me what I was doing and why I didn’t answer the phone.
I asked if they really wanted to know. They agreed, so.
Different things, but both extremely intimate and detailed.
They don’t ask me that now.
Laughing.
Laughing.
Again, this is all between the couple, and what is ok with each of them. For myself, the scenario you painted in post 4 is totally ok. There are plenty of times Mark and I will both be looking at stuff on our phones, or playing games on them, etc. We often discuss what we're looking at or reading about, or the conversation we're having. Often some of the games we're playing on the phone are against one another, a little friendly competition to stimulate the brain. It's all about timing, and respecting that other person. If we're just bumming around, that's one thing. If one of us is trying to have a serious conversation with the other, then the phones get put down and ignored. And if one's use of the phone bothers the other, then it needs to be taken seriously and discussed, not dismissed. Each couple is going to have different opinions and lines about that. As long as it's communicated about and agreed upon, a couple can play with their phones as much or little, or at whatever time they want.
agree with Alicia regarding having a serious conversation about how much phone use is too much, acknowledging when it's becoming a problem, and understanding that there's a time and place for them.
If I'm ever with a partner, I will warn friends and family not to call unless someone is dying.
family and friends will come to understand, and hopefully respect my boundary of only texting if they need to ask a question or tell me something that does not involve loss of a loved one; I'll get to their conversation later in terms of answering questions.
My phone will likely be off while I'm with a partner, because I feel strongly that the time we spend together should be spent bonding and building on emotional connections with one another, not sitting there and being distracted by the phone; enough of that happens here at home anyway, and while taking time to connect and be with each other, the phone will not be used to tell everyone on social media what is happening, unless I'm checking in at various places via swarm. I do that for the coins.
It is rude and disrespectful to the other person if I'm texting or having another conversation, unless the significant other is aware of an impending phone call about something related to emergencies or medical situations with family; only if things of that nature are happening should the phone be on. but even then, I would at least mute the phone and become familiar with vibration patterns to differentiate between a phone call, text or random app notification.
I'm not sure if people know, but cellular phones have lots of settings that can be used and you never ever need to tell anyone anything at all.
Different ring tones.
Favorites list.
To not disturb unless.
You've got ways to tell if you are receiving text, emails, Facebook messages, or whatever.
I wonder how many know what is available to you, so you don't upset a friend, or family member unless they push?
I make a point to try not to use my phone if I'm out on a date with someone unless there's an emergency because it drives me crazy when I'm hanging out with someone and they're constantly texting or doing something else on the phone. I remember about eleven years ago I took a Greyhound from Twin Falls, Idaho where I live up to Nampa, Idaho to visit a would-be girlfriend and she spent most of that time ignoring me and texting what I now suspect were other guys. Needless to say I try not to do the same thing when I'm out with someone.
Yeah i agree it depends on the person your with but i do agree i find it to be rude when the other person is on their phone texting to friends or other people, you tend to feel the attention is being taken away from you while your being with a guy and then to feel feelings you don't like to feel.
Discussing some ground rules would be best before you get together or spend time together and don't want to be disrupted and if your having a good time you won't bother to think about your phone but best to have it available encase of emergency or when you need to use it.
I agree. I really can care less who's texting, or calling if I'm enjoying the company I'm with.
I'm really bad about putting my phone down and leaving it say in the other room.
I'm not a person that packs his connection unless I'm expecting a call or something.
Out, forget it. I know I'm being summoned, but I ignore it.
I don't use my phone when i'm with my boyfriend. He does but as long as he still cares about what I say to him its ok.